WTF did they put in my tea?
3:11 PM on a Monday afternoon…I’m sitting in a cafe in an ergonomically shitty wooden chair…the kind of chair you can’t sit in too many days in a row without really screwing up your back…I’m surrounded by actors and dancers and students and kids with babysitters and I’ve exhausted every feed of information I can access from my phone. I am up to date on every tweet, medium post, Snapchat story, Facebook update, email, text, etc…there is nothing left for me to passively take in and learn…today at least, the world isn’t just going to beem down the exact inspiration I need without me doing some meaningful work to make that happen…I’ve finished my green tea, it’s too early to go to the gym, I don’t have any goal today other than “buy haloween candy” and “write”…so here I am I guess…writing. I actually wrote this morning on the nuances of Facebook Live…wasn’t super interesting…not much interesting came back in response…but I’m on this thing of writing everyday…which is great and has helped me organize my thoughts in general…combine that with a daily regimen of meditation and some fairly long runs and I’ve managed to carve out some really meaningful time to think. When you don’t have a job your job is to think…and I am doing a good job of not having a job…im trying to undo all the context that guides decision making and get to the essence of who I am today…not who I was last time I did this and not who I am in the context of my context..and that process requires energy and dedication and a willingness to question everything and explore the comfortable and less comfortable corners of one’s mind without regard for impending pain or pleasure…
Nothing radical is happening in this process so far…historically I have been known to make massive shifts. 180 degree turns into the future…and I am conceptually quite open to doing that again…but in practice the band of futures that are, at least presently, in sight quite resemble the presents that litter my past. Maybe that is a sign that I’ve made progress through the years…that I’ve known myself better and better…gotten closer and closer to aligning my context and myself…or maybe that means I’m just too early in the examination to see the wider bands…the ones that look different or even unrecognizable.
On my computer at home I have an 11 tab spreadsheet with the most methodical “next steps” you’ve ever seen in your life. I tend to hyperorganize in periods of change…and this moment is no different. It’s entitled “project revive” and it’s (I think) a deeply thoughtful approach to my next 20 years as a venture capitalist / investor…and I’m just sitting on it…waiting…to make sure that my gut is in fact MY gut, and not the gut of my context, which has secretly digested my gut but not yet freed it you know how.
I’m being a little cute, but you get the real point. I think I know what my next steps are, but I’m trying very hard to sit in this cafe, and just be, and think, and let some of the stuff that’s packed down deep come to the surface and either wash away or take hold and demand further attention.
It’s a strange place to be if you are as dedicated to career as I have been and am …trying not to work is much much harder than trying to work hard…I am the type of person who chose to be a venture capitalist and a CEO at the same time…more than once…and now I’m trying to drink green tea mid afternoon…and just write…it’s far from my natural disposition but I’m gonna keep this pace for the next few weeks at least…and see where I come out. if you keep reading this blog…thanks for tolerating the mix of insight and mental vomit that the process emits…I appreciate your company on this journey, as always…
P.s. Sorry for typos, wrote this on my phone